My Life With Grief, Now

“I’m sorry I talk about my Mum too much.”

I keep you alive every day, still. I imagine you are everywhere, I hope you are, here; everywhere. 

“It’s fine, you don’t talk about her too much.”

I enjoy your memory. The other day my flat and I cheersed our drinks for you. I laughed because I felt giddy; these were the people I was so afraid to meet, yet these are the people who allow you to be real and breathing.

When I think of you, I smile. So, I smile a lot these days. You have given me so much strength, and there’s nothing I’m afraid of, because how can I be? Anything that happens; I’ve been through worse, and I know what you would say.

Here I am, where we both worked so hard to be, and I keep you alive every day. I keep you alive because you are my Mum, and everyone talks about their mum.

I know you would be, or are, proud of me, because I am grateful for everything, and I think there is great power in that. I don’t take any crap from anyone, but I am not afraid to apologise for any mistakes I make. I am growing, and I am proud.

I took Katie to see the Lumineers as part of her birthday celebration; she screamed and danced, and there is so much life in her again. It is a joy to see such a beautiful human be overwhelmed with spirit again. For this, I will forever be grateful. It felt wonderful to do something so meaningful for her. On the 27th November 2018, she took me to see Mumford and Sons. I remember how much that meant, and a year later, I hope I created something like that for her.

The Lumineers
Taken on the iPhone 7+
The Lumineers
Taken on the iPhone 7+

I have accepted there is no way to forget you, and I’m relieved that I don’t have to worry about forgetting you anymore. You are the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing I think about at night.

I keep you alive through jokes, through wearing my locket, and through trying to be as kind and generous as I can be for others. You loved hosting, and I love it too. I think the best bits of me come from you.

I wore your dress for my Christmas ball. I was surprised because I was so shocked by what I looked like. I just looked happy. I know you would have enjoyed seeing me in your dress.

Christmas Ball

I feel your pride wherever I go.

I love you.


14 thoughts on “My Life With Grief, Now

  1. Being ‘overwhelmed with spirit’. What a beautiful phrase. As ever, your posts are a pleasure to read, and a reminder that the deeper the valleys in life’s journey, the higher the peaks. Thanks for sharing.

  2. More power to you. And your mother is so happy and she is blessing you for all your success and being by your side on your gloomy days! More power to you! 💜

  3. You can never talk to or about your Mum too much! If I suddenly think of something to tell my Mum, its because I believe she has popped in to see me. You look beautiful in that dress, she would be very proud of you both xxx

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