Katie always says to me that life has given us two options.
- Sink
- Swim
When I came to yoga, I thought I was healed from the hurt heart I harboured in my chest. As many of you know, I suffered a serious mental health setback in October.
The beginning of my journey was nasty. I tore myself apart, criticised brutally every single inch of who I was. I took words and phrases out of my vocabulary, and cringed whenever I started to fall back into old patterns of behaviour that no longer served me. Anything I did, I looked over and replayed with a magnifying glass. I aimed for perfection in myself.
At that point, I started to read self-help books, I enrolled in counselling, and I took up all my hobbies again. I started writing the Growth posts. I dedicated myself to getting better. In order to thrive, I had to understand why I was the way I was. I had to forgive.
At that time, when I looked in the mirror, I knew who was staring back at me, but she was someone I wanted to get to know. I wanted to ask her questions, and work her out, the same way I always wanted to with everyone else.
When I entered into 2021, I knew I was doing so much better. I was close to being the girl who laughs hard by herself, or sings and dances when no one is around. It was like there was a lag between who I was and who I could be.
My body started to feel heavy and cumbersome. My shoulders felt like lumps of iron, and no amount of kneading, prodding and gentle massages would help. I sat down on the floor and pressed play on a yoga video dedicated to anxiety.
I was clumsy, and constantly slipped and fell. I swore at my unmalleable body, and grew frustrated that I couldn’t twist with grace and ease. After that first video, I swore off of it.
But one thing I didn’t realise would happen: I decided I enjoyed being bad at yoga. Of course, I was bad at yoga. I’m a clumsy girl. Yoga is reserved for a different type of elegance, one I can’t even begin to harbour.
I started a playlist of 30 Days of Yoga. I smiled to myself knowing I wouldn’t commit to 30 days. Until Adriene politely and kindly said “See you tomorrow.” I couldn’t turn down such a polite request.
And so, I unwrapped a new gift of life. A gift of movement that discretely snuck into my lap when I wasn’t looking. Movement which has released tears, endorphins, anger and most of all: peace.
You see, all this time I was striving for perfection. A human who made no mistakes. Now I realize I strive for peace. A peaceful human.
Peace brings with it forgiveness and understanding. Hot blood is diluted and calmed, and one unwittingly becomes the best version of themselves.
The Breath Journey helped to ease my anxiety to a place where it is so small, I rarely think of it nowadays. My mental health has swelled, but not in the way of a wave, where it is doomed to crash, but it has swelled in the way of a breath; swelling, giving life, releasing, falling into swell again.
Whilst in November I dedicated myself to being “better”, in January, I dedicated myself to peace. February was a month for letting go.
Through finding peace in myself, I have come to realize that it doesn’t matter whether people see me as a disruptive or peaceful human. If one brands you as disruptive or peaceful, it is hard to shift their opinion. Whatever you do, it will be seen through that gaze. You could kindly walk into a room, yet someone will always see it as a storm.
So most of all we must let go of what we cannot change. Trees still grow if one person tells it to stop, and if someone else contemplates its existence.
Wishing you peace also, friend, on your journey.
Evee x
Your journey to health and well-being is enthralling and I congratulate you on growing and improving.
There is one minor correction to your blog 😉.
“Trees still grow if one person tells it to stop,” unless that one person is Jesus.
See https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+21%3A18-21&version=NIV.
This is one story of Jesus I have never really understood, but then there are probably a bunch that I only think I understand! 😄
Dear Evee, you appear to have come on in leaps and bounds. That’s wonderful. I hope your journey is one of just minor stops where you can look back to see how far you’ve come. Mine may have been over a longer period but only because they never have rhubarb yoga in the shops when I go, so I have to make do with toast. All the bread makes me so heavy I’ve never dared go for Yoghurt lessons in case I go through the floor and damaged anyone beneath. My illness has death gripe on me.
Look after yourself Sweetie.
Thank you so much for your encouragement David 🤍 you are so kind to leave such a lovely comment x
Evee trust me you will be like a ballerina compared to me at yoga. I signed up to her site a few months back. Not so much yoga as controlled falling. I did the 30 day challenge. I was sceptical but it’s been great for me. It has worked. You are doing such a fantastic job on this road you find yourself on. Hope your smiling. Gary x
Ahahah, I would be so sure Gary!! I love how rewarding and forgiving Adrienne is though. She’s wonderful.
So glad to hear it’s been good for you also 🤍
Thank you so much for your encouragement.
Smiling big and wide on my end! Hope you are also xx
You are wonderful Evee ❤️ Make yoga, that cleans the mind. Yoga practice helps to mental and physical health. Sing songs and listen to good music. Sending peace🕊️
Thank you so much 🤍 your kind words mean so much to me 🤍 sending you peace also x
Oh Evee, I am so happy that peace wound its way into your soul ❤️
Me too 🤍🤍🤍
You are a beautiful soul Evee. I am so glad you have figured out that life is all about being at peace with ourselves. You have become so good at Yoga (union with God) And being at peace comes easily with regular meditation, which is the heart of Yoga.
All the very best Evee. All of us are works in progress. Only God is perfect 😊
Stay peaceful. Stay loved 🥰
Absolutely xx thank you so much for taking the time to brighten me day x
Stay peaceful, stay loved also x
My pleasure entirely 😊🤗
So glad to hear about your journey!
Stay peaceful
Lots of love from Italy
Stay peaceful also xx
😘🙏😘
It doesn’t matter how people see you, it matters how you feel within yourself and your your life. Yoga is a great way to release, physically and mentally! But perfection…dear, that doesn’t exist…
Seems like my Tea Program could help you with these battles. Feel free to check it out.
GREAT picture. We love this minimalistic wildife pictures.
We did yoga for many years regularly and it kept us happy and healthy.
All the best
The Fab Four of Cley
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
Aw that’s such a complement! Thank you :)))
All the best, friend x
Thank you for sharing. I identify with the journey, and it reinforces that no matter where we are in life Evee’s post. It reminds me of a post I just read from DiosRaw by Octavia Butler, “In order to rise from it’s own ashes, a Phoenix must first burn.” Take care of you and all you love.
I think thats so true. You remind me of a quote I heard recently: “Ruin is the road to transformation.”
Yoga is such a relief to my mind and body💙
Absolutely x
Good job sticking with yoga! I have some training in sensory-enhanced yoga, so I know it can be especially healing and claming for the mind
Oh wow! What does that entail? X
It’s really neat, it’s based on the treatment protocol from the Iraq Yoga Study. Basically, it’s a trauma-informed yoga that incorporates different sensory input to get your mind and body closer to stillness and away from the fight/flight response
Wow that’s amazing 🙂 thank you for sharing!