by thegriefreality

Reality Revisited: I Don’t (Self) Care

First posted in April 2019. We have grown so much more than we ever thought we would, and we want to share our earlier posts. We aim to reflect on the early struggles of our grief, and what we went through without our mum. We are proud of where we have come from, and of where we are going. We hope you are as well.

If you are struggling with your grief, that is okay. You are not alone.

~

Self-care is one of those concepts we all immediately assume we have a grip on. Whenever my counsellor, sister, stranger, YouTuber ever mentioned self care, I thought “of course I do that” or even “I know I’m good at self-care”.

When I was younger, I definitely was. When things got rough at home, I would retreat into my room, light candles, meditate, do yoga, read, write, sleep, anything I knew I needed to be mentally healthy.

Then, as I grew up, I realised I didn’t have as much time: school took over, extra curricular activities stole precious hours, sleep was cut into by homework or revision. When I sunk into my bed at the end of the day, I fought sleep and tried to watch YouTube videos like I used to, believing this counted as ‘self-care’.

But of course that was not self-care, as I kept losing sleep every night, making it harder to wake up in the morning.

Self-care can be defined as this: an activity that helps to improve your mental health and wellbeing without causing stress or anxiety.

It sounds very simple. Yet in practice it’s incredibly difficult. Everyone has something: a job, school, someone who they care for, which means that we don’t have as much time as we used to. When I was younger I didn’t have as many stresses as I do now. Often I find people ignore their mental health believing in the “short term pain for long term gain” mentality.

During school terms in 2018, the only time I truly took for myself was the 15 minute walk to school and back where I could listen to three songs. In my darkest moments, these could be the highlight of my day. Gradually, I found myself taking a longer route home so that i could listen to 5 or 6 songs and just enjoy my time, stress free. I would come home and I never felt truly relaxed.

In these moments, I needed self-care to help me relax, but it all sounded impossible to fit in, and there was no way that I tried to fit it into my busy schedule. If anything, it stressed me out to think that i had to allocate an hour to ‘relaxing’.

During the summer, my sisters and I were always occupied with caring for our Mum. We would do it all again if we had too, without a shadow of a doubt, but it is not unfair for us to say it was incredibly hard. When we had a spare moment, even if we were absolutely on the floor with fatigue, we would enjoy our moments to ourselves. For example, I would often read in the hospice or by Mum’s bed when she came home from the hospice. When Katie had to drive to Asda we would take the 10 minutes to scream lyrics to songs.

If we never ever had a break, we wouldn’t be here today.

If you don’t have time to do those long self care activities that come up when you google self care, here’s a few you could think about incorporating into your day:

  • Buying a different, maybe more luxurious shampoo/conditioner/body wash to use. This will make your body feel great, and looking after yourself physically helps you to look after your mind. This is also great for anyone who struggles to remember to wash due to a caring role, responsibilities, or mental health issues. This small thing can go a long way.
  • Watch one or two YouTube videos if you get a chance to take a break.
  • Do a quick ‘body scan’. This is when you close your eyes, and try to focus on your body parts to work out what they need. This can centre you, and if you have forgotten to get a drink or eat in the day, this will remind you and make you feel better. I used to beat myself up a lot for not eating or drinking because i just forgot. In my head I would revolt against my forgetfulness, screaming “how do you forget a basic human need?!”. This made my self worth go down. But, this technique avoids that.
  • Eat some fruit. I’m not saying don’t eat an unhealthy snack. But, if you’re anything like me, when I ate so many unhealthy things during 2018, I didn’t feel good about it like usual, I just felt unhealthy, which made me feel worse.
  • Try to think of things as a “win”. For example, I have eaten fruit this morning, thats a win. I had a shower this morning with my new conditioner, thats a double win. Now I can watch a YouTube video, and that’s a win too. This may seem small, but changing your mindset with small things like this does wonders. You feel more optimistic, happier, and you want to repeat these positive activities, which again helps you in the long run.

If this is all the self-care you have performed today, I am grateful to you for seeing yourself as worth this positive attention. Its very easy to forget ourselves in hard situations.

After Mum passed away, I helped Katie to write a ‘Self-Care List’. Katie found self-care very difficult to just wrap her head around, especially now that Katie had time to care for herself. Some of what we put on that list includes:

  • Buy fresh flowers every week.
  • Go swimming.
  • Make scrambled eggs and mushrooms for breakfast.
  • Go for a run
  • Listen to music.

For me, activities on my current self care list include:

  • Read.
  • Write.
  • Go for walks alone with music.
  • Make healthy and filling dinners.
  • Photography.

Soon enough, these activities have become second nature, and now we can look back and see how far we have come.

You deserve to see yourself as a priority, and you deserve to feel cared for. I hope you can incorporate even a few things into your day, and eventually move up to the ‘big’ activities, like exercising, going to counselling, reading books etc. Good luck.

Evee

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32 thoughts on “Reality Revisited: I Don’t (Self) Care”

  5. Great practical helpful post Evee! 🙂

    I especially liked your last bullet point in self-care items – Look for and count the wins in each day.

    Do you have any thoughts on dealing with all the anger losing someone very dear can cause to build up inside of us? Suppressing it is what most people do, but that is part of the problem, not a solution/resolution.

    Reply

    1. I think anger is healthy and suppressing it leads to so many other issues. We need to all recognise our emotions in my opinion, and one of the ways I did that was journaling or doodling or scribbling. Thank you for your comments !

      Reply

      1. All our emotions are designed to serve a purpose and were set into play long before we humans evolved a ‘rational’ brain and became ‘civilised’.

        In the world we live in today we are not really ‘free’ to express our emotions in the way Nature intended – we repress/suppress some of our bodies natural reactions to certain situations. This requires considerable effort sometimes on our part, requiring large amounts of mental and sometimes personal energy.

        I believe this is one of the reasons those who grieve and who still have to try somehow to operate in a civilised fashion in the modern society’s we mostly live in with it’s long list of ‘rights and wrongs’ for our behaviour can feel like they have no will or energy left for no ‘apparent’ reason.

        Releasing all our emotions, in a way that is both suitable to our own needs and not self-destructive of our relationships with others we might depend upon (or simply love) is a necessary skill we need to learn fully if we are to return to some semblance of ‘normality’ after deep grief or loss.

        Peace,

      2. I agree. Feelings and emotions are simply instincts, in my opinion. We need to feel them rather than trying to squash them down as though they are nothing. We can’t stop being a blonde or a brunette so why do all try so hard to not be hurt or sad or angry? 🤔

      3. Simply to ‘fit in’ with others, to not show weakness – it is a pack animal mentality. The ‘weak’ do not survive long and have less value to the pack.

        We are supposed to be of a higher level of consciousness, but we find it hard to forget our past – where we all came from. It is deep within us all. It frightens us somewhat so we do not always seek to understand it in ourselves, but try to ‘brave it out’ – to our long term cost.

    2. In the past there’s been times when I hoped for someone to come and help, but no one did and I got through. We are the fortunate ones, some haven’t made it.
      Sometimes when really tired I find myself being a self bully, but perhaps I’ve needed it to get through.
      We all have to find ways of getting through and into the realisation that we are able to be as is.

      Reply

  9. This is a wonderful post and blog. I definitely have to learn to do more self care. I’m getting there. Thanks for the reminder. ☺

    Reply

  10. I would add prayer to the list. I find the Psalms especially comforting. “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34: 18). But prayer need not be formal. We can cry out to God even when we have no words. <3

    Reply

  11. 💜 ⚠️ Warning Evie Potentially InAppropriate but I AM Autistic ⚠️

    Ummm, an Embarrassed ‘You Wot, You Wot, You Wot, You Wot, You Wot’ kinda Question

    Changed My Mind; so NOT!!! Gonna Ask and Stay Safe

    …💛💚💙…

    Reply

  12. Totally bonkers, for now after reading your blog post, I’m remembering how my one treat on a VERY tight budget back-in-the-day was a rare purchase of BodyShop hair conditioner from Kirkwall. You know what, someone (perhaps my visitor who shot my sofa) took it. That was a very sad day, because it held an importance within it of self-care.
    Geez I’ve lived a weird life!

    Reply

      1. I was a natural blonde then and used chamomile, but now I’m whatever colour I wish. ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜

  14. You girls are wonderful! Even now after all the losses in my life (I’m in my 70s) your self-care lists are good to know. I was living and working in England when my father passed away so I was only able to say goodbye at his funeral. However, my wife and I were living close to home when my mother passed away; I was holding her hand when she passed. Such a different parting!
    What you write is so helpful. Bless you both, your blog in nourishing; are you by any chance nurses? 💐💐🙋‍♂️

    Reply

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