As Told By Bianca #1

A man looking out of the window. I know him. I know he’s bereaved. I know he is alone. I observe him from behind whilst drinking coffee. He’s amongst people at a big table for ten. Just him and his book.

Sometimes ever so slightly shaking his head in disbelief, a response of being betrayed and left behind. He’s reading then drinking his coffee, making a shopping list. For one not two. Looking disinterested at the list he adds ‘fruit’ and reads his book again. His wedding ring reflecting the cold light of day. Just get up and live.

Drink coffee, make lists, go shopping, talk, stop, look out the window, play the memory film in your head from happy times to the time death sneaked in and splattered itself all over the warm sunny days, innocent smiles and laughter, green grass and picnics, boredom of the mediocre, lazy Sundays wasting time, holding hands and kissing the other persons warm lips; restless reaching into nothingness in delirium and pain, moaning, not knowing what the moon means anymore. Trapped in the in between world of dying, screaming in pain, fighting off food, drink, meds, people and life.

The lips once so warm and red become dry, crusty slimy exits of the stomach with each exhale expulsions of bad breath, rotting body, eyelids so dry and emaciated they no longer close fully. The body curled up in impossible positions no awareness of where the arms and legs are.

The bereaved remembers its bedtime. Do it all again tomorrow until the pain stops forever and you die yourself or something eventually changes. Here’s to hoping for a miracle.

Thank you to Bianca for this raw submission which so artfully depicts what grief looks like, from her point of view. The traumatic imagery matched with the mundane everyday is a great way to look at how grief slips into normal life.

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14 thoughts on “As Told By Bianca #1

  1. 💜 My Dad Died recently EveryOne and I AM GLAD!!! for He Had ALWAYS!!! Been an Abusive Thorn in My Side and that of My Other Relatives; with NEVER!!! Admitting, Acknowledging and Addressing His MMHI (Multiple Mental Health Issues), a Smile then a Snarl and a Slap, a Punch, a Kick or Few when I AM onThe Floor…so, just maybe, “The Grief” WILL!!! Arrive at Some Point; yet I Don’t THINK!!! So as Many People Attend Funerals to Celebrate a Persons Death in The Guise of Mourning in Black


    1. Yernasia, again, let me encourage you to get counseling. Your comments on various blogs I also follow often seem very off-kelter and display an inordinate amount of pain and misunderstanding. You are in my prayers for your mental health. your friend, c.a.

  2. Such a heart-rending story of grief. I recall when I was in my 20s a friend, a model of grace and tact, whose wife had passed away after 40+ years of marriage. As a stupid young adult with all the answers, I commented when we met that he could take comfort in the knowledge that she was in Heaven. That was the only time I remember Harry getting angry with me! He told me, “C.A., just shut up until you know what grief feels like,” and he walked away with tears in his eyes.
    I have learned that the pain of loss is something only the one going through it fully understands, even when Heaven is expected for the deceased.

  3. Raw and gut wrenching account of grief and the comment above by Capost2k re the heaven cliche also profound. Everyone feels grief differently and some cope better than others. The process of working through those awful emotions takes time and one can hear the hurt in the words. One also feels much for Yernasia. I hope she finds a way through.

  4. Such a great post. The older we get, the more we start to reflect on what we’ve done or achieved. The mind plays games with you. I guess reminiscing about the good and looking forward to keeping the mind sane works miracles. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful thought.

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