*Trigger Warning: topics surrounding miscarriage.*
It was that moment when I held you in my hand. A woman around my age had gently placed you in my palms that had formed a bowl to receive you. She was telling me all about you, Pea.
She told me how she was shocked to find she had to give birth to you. How they had met you on scan pictures and had told children at school you were on your way. And then when she hoped to see you gain, having grown and part of her journey for a few weeks you stopped being. Your body was there still part of her but your little excited heart had stopped beating.
They called you Pea.
You had no legal existence being just 20 weeks old. In this world you exist when there is paperwork that states you do. You were not allowed to have it. You were born without knowing you had been born. You were held by your mum for the first time without feeling her warmth and breath overwhelmed with exhaustion from birthing you and joy and fear and all those tears showering you with the emptiness that your empty body brought to this earth. So there I held you, Pea.
A bright green apricot sized soft toy pea with eyes and a smiley face. She said you had one pea too which got cremated with you and a teddy bear. As I held soft toy pea it felt as though I held you, my Pea. My Pea that I lost after just two weeks. I never got to hold you I didn’t even see what would have been the shape of a two week old embryo. I let you float away covered and surrounded by a sea of warm blood so that you never had to feel cold when you left me.
Holding this green soft pea so gently I found myself saying ‘hello, Pea’, gently stroking over your smiley eyes. It was as though I finally had the chance to see you, touch you and say goodbye. I want to say thank you for making way, giving yourself up so that we had Linus, this incredible, funny and loving boy who came against all odds when my mum left the warmth of her bed and body to be free again to join all those whose hearts drum silence and stillness.
Thank you to Bianca for another heartfelt post. This is another beautiful post, from a beautiful writer.