After my mum died, I looked at my life like a race track. My feet were slapping against the beaten track and my breath came in short bursts or I would hold my breath to the point of my chest screaming for mercy. I had to run as fast as I possibly could, no matter the agony I was in. I was petrified; of living life without mum, without guidance, without understanding.

I jumped into things too early, craving shelter, security and stability. I smiled and laughed loudly, as if I would never laugh again. When I turned 21, I was pretty miserable. I felt like I was making a mess of friendships, and my life was certainly not the one I had imagined it would be like. 2021 found me healing, beginning to build a new life for myself.

I was anxious to put distance between my mums death and my life but 2021 saw me slow down from my race through time. I want to say I had an awakening, or I made some choice to live my life and experience rather than sprint through to security. Instead all that happened was a I got tired. Deeply exhausted to the essence of my being.

~

My 21st year started in Katie’s care. She spent time to build me back up, pour love into me and to start to water me on my journey of growth. I began to stretch my body, write letters, journal, meditate, and work out exactly what I wanted to get from each day. I learned to live intentionally.

I lived by myself for a month, and started to manage my anxiety. I got better, stronger, and I started to make wonderful, beautiful friends.

I moved house for a third time, making new friends from all walks of life. I met a friend who had also experienced parental loss, and we held each other in silent conversations, holding hands in our moments of complete acceptance. I grew my plants, and I grew myself, seeing sunsets everyday, and going to bed with a grateful heart.

In that lovely house, tucked up in my bed I left counselling after doing it every week for 8 months. I was so proud but I steeled myself, realising that this was a moment of either progress or regress. I was going to be damned if I was moving anywhere but forward. Unlike after my mum passed away, I would not run, instead I would force myself to walk, to sit with my thoughts and feel everything that came up.

Summer came, and I roller-skated every day. I passed a rollerskating friend on the street, who turned out to embrace me with colour and laughter. We would roller skate often and laugh even harder. She unwound me, and my carefully practiced behaviours started to fall like ribbons and I began to breathe more freely than I ever had before.

I moved into a new house for my final time at the peak of summer. A house that is dedicated to laughter, light and soul. Everyday my chest aches from joy, and no matter how I arrive, I am accepted.

I do my yoga, I roller skate, I go to the gym. I journal, I smile, I am grateful. I meet my friends, I go to all my seminars, and I walk.

I slow down, and I experience my life as I was meant to.

21 was the best year of my life. There was no fear, there was only growth and love. Where there was a vacuum, the universe rushed to fill me up with friends, joy, and most intensely; peace.

Who knows what 22 years of age will bring me? I don’t know, but I am so excited for it. I look forward to Friday, for my personal New Year. I will enjoy it the only way I know how; with laughter and love.

It always gets better. There is always healing to be had.

Evee x