In my sleep, I descend the stairs and you rush past me, telling me to hurry up, people are downstairs and they are waiting for us. I’m confused, my jaw opening and closing like the door you just came through; swinging on its hinge at a loss at your presence.
I pause on the last step, hovering between reality and dream, wondering if my confusion is well founded, or whether I should allow myself to be caught up in your existence.
“Mum?” I think I ask. You pause on the second set of stairs as a corridor stretches between us. There we are, divided by a stretch of carpeted floorboards, each of us descending onto a new level.
Your head turns for your blue eyes to catch mine. I am a head taller than you, but the child in me is still the one you rocked in your arms and protected. We comprehend each other, drinking in each other’s features. The feeling of you is something I want to hold onto forever.
“I thought you were gone?” I whisper. My chest feels tight, like a crushing hug is fortifying my ribs. My heart flutters fervently as if she too cannot distinguish reality from dream.
“I always told you I wasn’t going anywhere,” You tell me, breezing down the stairs to the sound of music and laughter.
I stand there for a moment, before I run after you, stumbling down the stairs, pushing the doors of my student house open. My feet hammer down corridors you’ve never walked down, feverishly reaching for hair I have not touched in years, until I stand in the narrow kitchen of my childhood home. Warm, gold sun emblazons your smile as you disappear from the conservatory and into the garden.
Forever, you are beyond me.
As my dream spins away into dust, I remember wisteria, and family taking your winding spirit further from me.
My eyes open and my body shakes. My eyes feel like they are crying, but they are dry. My heart breaks silently, hammering against her personal jail, begging to be let out. Begging to be held and rocked. The darkness of my room closes in around me.
In my drowsy mind, The Power Of Love plays as I slip back into sleep.
“I’ll protect you from the hooded claw
Keep the vampires from your door
When the chips are down I’ll be around
With my undying, death-defying
Love for you”
Thank you Mum. For all you have done, and continue to do for me.
A Song For You – The Power of Love by Frankie Goes To Hollywood