First posted in July 2019. We have grown so much more than we ever thought we would, and we want to share our earlier posts. We aim to reflect on the early struggles of our grief, and what we went through without our mum. We are proud of where we have come from, and of where we are going. We hope you are as well.
If you are struggling with your grief, that is okay. You are not alone.
The quiet train carriage was disrupted by my phone alerting me of a new message from my friend: “Results are OUT.” She was referring to our Master’s grade, of course.
All too quickly anxiety whirled up inside of me. I hadn’t expected to receive this message for another month or so. I had thought about this moment a lot. In my head I had compared what would be, with what was on the day that I got my undergraduate results a couple of years ago.
I was in Spain and my mum, of course, was the first person I phoned. She was beaming through the phone so, so proud of me. I got the first-class degree that I so wanted, but then again, she would have been proud with whatever grade I got.
This time I wouldn’t be able to phone her. My happiness would undeniably echo the silence of loss; the loss of her pride or the “I knew you’d do it! I never doubted you for a minute.”
I logged on to the university blackboard page – thankful that the train’s Wifi held out – and sure enough the little red notification appeared in the top right corner of the screen.
My final assignment was worth 72, giving me a grade average of 73. A distinction. I cried. She would have been so proud of me. The Master’s was the cause of so many sleepless nights but one of my final promises that I swore I’d keep. And I bloody well did it.
On Facetime to both my boyfriend and my sister, Evee said to me “That’ll do pig, that’ll do” quoting the iconic final line from Babe, and I laughed through my tears. She was right, that’ll do. It’s over now, I can rest.
I didn’t feel anxious about my trip for the rest of the train journey. Rather, I felt calm.
I couldn’t help but wonder, is this the light at the end of the tunnel that so many people have promised? Are we finally out of the woods?
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