First posted in October 2019. We have grown so much more than we ever thought we would, and we want to share our earlier posts. We aim to reflect on the early struggles of our grief, and what we went through without our mum. We are proud of where we have come from, and of where we are going. We hope you are as well.

If you are struggling with your grief, that is okay. You are not alone.

~

Dear Evee,

When you are at university, it’s so easy to become “Evee”. You go to your first lectures and seminars, feeling wide-eyed and bushy tailed.

You meet people, and people describe you as “confident” and “independent”, and you become used to saying “Evee, with a double ‘E’”. You feel a bit pretentious, until someone says “oh like the pokemon?” It’s almost too easy. “So you’re telling me… nobody knows anything about my history?”

This city feels like home. You say “I cant wait to go home to my bed” and for one moment, you are blissfully aware that the word home is all yours again.

But, the flipside. When you’re at university, it’s so easy to become “Evee” (with a double E). On the surface, this new life is wonderful and it suits you so well; you feel like you are meant to be here.

But then someone made porridge. For them, this porridge is just a little sachet, just a little milk, just a “pop it in the microwave”. 

For you, the smell made you gag, and the room seemed too crowded. You expected nurses to be jostling around you, and for voices to be yelling at you. The last time you ate porridge, your Mum was dying. That’s all you could think about.

Everyone struggles with cooking, homesickness, being ill. You feel weird for not struggling with these things. You begin to try to look after some people, because that’s what you do. I want you to know you don’t have to do that anymore. The only person putting you in that position, however small, is you.

It’s okay to feel like the odd one out because your mum hasn’t annoyed you by unpacking your stuff wrong, or is continuously calling you, pressing you to do things. I think everyone here feels like the odd one out, and the wonderful thing is that is what unites us.

You miss Katie. Of course, you do. Allow yourself to feel it because it doesn’t make you less of a person, or “weak”. Katie misses you too! So much! Because it’s the same amount we miss each other.

Finally, please expect and allow yourself to be wrong. Jesus Christ, don’t take yourself so seriously. 

Say no if you need to or want to say no, but also scream yes if a part of you wants to. 

Evee

University is amazing. I love every second of it. Some of my lectures are interesting, and some are incredibly boring. I feel out of my depth yet also in my element. I’m a bird who has learnt to swim.

I wish I could go back to myself when I had to defer. I want to tell myself that I would not have coped if I hadn’t had my gap year, and also if I had not had the opportunity to have had a happy summer with Katie. I’d tell myself that when you go, you’ll be ready for it, and it will feel even better this way. 

I hope you all have a lovely, happy day. If not, seek the blessings in the smallest of things.

You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

Cyndi Lauper, True Colours