Reality Revisited: Have You Any Dreams You’d Like To Sell?

First posted in October 2019. We have grown so much more than we ever thought we would, and we want to share our earlier posts. We aim to reflect on the early struggles of our grief, and what we went through without our mum. We are proud of where we have come from, and of where we are going. We hope you are as well.

If you are struggling with your grief, that is okay. You are not alone.


In this world, my Mum exists. She is alive and well. She hugs me close and tells me off for leaving my plates on the side of the kitchen. I can see her face from when I would do something wrong. Her sharp eyes and her stern lips.

She is tangible, and I feel like I can reach out and touch her skin, and I will feel how soft it is. But when I go to hug her she dissolves, appearing just beyond me again.

In this world, there is an air of fear. A terrified anticipation for God’s next card. I feel like I have forgotten the end of a sad film, or where the jump-scare is in a thriller.

I try to tell my mum that something is wrong, but she gets angry at me. “Stop worrying Evee.” I beg her to listen but it makes her more annoyed. The apprehension grows within me. I feel unheard and trapped. 

I am in a car and I know it’s going to crash. All I can do is wait.

The house is light and still. Rainbows shine on the walls and I watch Mum potter around in the garden as she loves to do so much. I feel like a demon is on my shoulder and I want to run to her, and take her away from this world. She still won’t listen to me. She tells me to carry on with my revision. I tell her it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters more than her.

She gets angry again.

And then the ship hits the rocks. I reach out to try to cling to my mother as she slips away and the wood splinters and buckles beneath me. It snaps, twists, and obliterates beneath me. I scream. “How do I live without you?”

She doesn’t say anything. She is afraid. She turns away from me and dissolves into light, and fear enshrines my body. I am alone now.

I wake up and I’m almost unaware of where I am. This world is where I have been living. With people who don’t know and never will know my Mum.

But this is my world. Those were the cards I had been dealt. I have been living without my Mum for 14 months now. I have been doing okay.

I am sad but proud.


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17 thoughts on “Reality Revisited: Have You Any Dreams You’d Like To Sell?

  1. I am so sorry about the death of your mum. My mum died 17 years ago and I still dream about her most weeks. Mostly they are benign dreams but even this week I dreamed that I had forgotten her phone number. I woke up desperately wanting to call her. I guess this is our way to keep close to our loved ones. Hugs to you and your sister.

  2. Sad and proud 😇 love it. You are so sweet and brave and am proud of you Evee. God be with you.
    My wife has been gone for more than 8 years and she is still so tangibly around me.

  3. Sad and proud indeed. These are the cards that we have been dealt. I feel extremely proud of you and your sister. I have never met either of you yet this connection through grief and trying daily to take the next step gives me hope.

  4. I’ve been blogging for 2 and bit years now but I’ve come nowhere near coming up with the line – sad and proud. It’s sums up everything in 3 words. My dreams went through a phase of being unable to change the end, then they switched to almost perfect replays of nice moments. Now they are still those moments but change in some bizarre ways. A lovely trip to the zoo has become a lovely trip to Jurassic world. Sure the dreams are trying to tell me something. xx

  5. Sad is to be expected, but Proud is an Achievement – well done You! 🙂 👏

    I’m of the opinion that our dreams have purpose, which is to try and help us return to a more normal balance with our experiences and memories of the accumulated ‘reality’ we live in each day.

    If we better understood what our dreams are saying we would better understand the ‘reality’ behind them and how we live our life.

    Our minds too often have a great disconnect between how we want our reality and how it really is. (Seems to us to be)!

      1. 🙂

        Oh, forgot to mention before.. ‘Rhiannon’ was one of my favourite songs in my teens, nice to pick up a line from it as your post title! 😉

        Hope you (both) have a great week!

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