It blows my mind to think that I will be 27 this December when it can sometimes feel just 5 minutes ago that my mum passed away. A lot has happened over the last 3 years. Sometimes the speed in which time slips by can make me feel like a passive passenger.
Category: Katie
Reality Revisited: 2/3 Memories Were The Best Things You Ever Had
When you hold your thumb, try and think of a safe and calming space. This could be a place that you imagine, like a beach with the sound of the waves, or it could be a memory where you remember feel particularly calm. For me it is lying back on the trampoline, feeling warm by the evening sun, at about 12 years old.
Reality Revisited: 1/3 Memories Were The Best Things You Ever Had
For the first 3 months following my mums passing, I was frantic and desperate for memories. We had already lost her, I was terrified that I’d now forget her too. I wanted to hold on to our memories so tightly as if they were helium balloons. Like a child at the fayre, I daren’t loosen my grip in fear that they’d float away and be forgotten forever.
Reality Revisited: Mother’s Day
I’ve been really emotional leading up to this Mother’s Day. I miss her more with every passing day. Her absence at home is deafening. I spend a lot of my weekends visiting her. It’s a beautifully serene place and I feel very comfortable there. Sometimes my younger sister and I take a picnic blanket, we lay down and have a good cry!
Reality Revisited: How Many Spoons Do You Have Today?
I feel as though I am slowly sinking into thick black tar. My clothes feel like lead, pulling me under even more, weighing heavy against my lungs making it difficult to breathe. I don’t have the strength to put out my arm and reach for help. I feel completely overcome with grief for my mum. I feel debilitated.
Reality Revisited: Saying “Yes” to Yourself by Saying “No” to Others
Sometimes, making plans for the following week seems like a great idea – and sometimes it is – but other times, you just have to cancel because all you need to do is gather your strength at home.
Reality Revisited: Am I A Carer?
It didn’t make sense at first. How could I have been a carer for such a long period without having realised? I think this is the case for many people. Like I said, the changes were minimal at first, and you really don’t mind because you’d do anything for your family.
I’m So Anxious, I Can’t Wait!
The biggest growth comes from being outside of your comfort zone. It’s really scary to put yourself out there, but think of all the things that could go right. If anxiety gives us the power to convince ourselves that something bad might happen, why not use it to our strength and convince ourselves there’s something to be excited about?
The Odd One Out
Most of all, I don’t want to be the odd one out among a new group of friends. So, I avoid the conversation and protect them, myself, my mum, and my grief.
Reality Revisited: Learning to Move Forward
The whole experience felt really cathartic by letting go and accepting the pain of 2018, without letting go of our Mum.