Happy New Year, Happy New Decade, Happy New Everything
Your grief is seen and felt, even at the time of the Christmas spirit and when all is merry. You are seen. You are heard. Your loved one, nor you, is forgotten.
As a child, December was my favourite month. From the 5th to the 9th, using all of my willpower, I used to save up my advent calendar chocolates. On the morning of the 10th, sleepy eyed, I would sit in between my parents as Mum would give me my birthday presents and I would indulge in the chocolates that I had been saving for my big day.
Why do we have this self-imposed idea that throughout our lives we are meant to maintain a perfect, crisp version of ourselves? Like untouched snow, or fresh school shoes that we don’t want to scratch.
How could I still be listening out, just in case Mum needed me?
I felt emotionally exhausted and wanted the opportunity to transfer this emotional struggle into a physical challenge that I could overcome, learn and develop from.
It makes me feel bad that my family have had to look after me so much. I hate being a burden, boring and a frustration. I hate that they had to wake up in the night to help me with medicines or when I was throwing up.
That’s one of the most difficult things about losing my mum, I just want to tell her how difficult life is without her in it.
If you get night terrors; you are not a freak. You are not a freak for feeling anxious, or because you have experienced trauma, or any other reason.
Self care can be defined as this: an activity that helps to improve your mental health and wellbeing without causing stress or anxiety.